Scars

This is the first poem I ever performed at an open mic. This is the written version. The spoken word piece is much longer.




 And I surrender now to this room full of flames.

 Ignited by the gas that seeps from my soul...

 I am enraged.

 Here it goes...

 Flesh torn down by broken bottles

I’m the one to blame for this beautiful addition to my body

The masterpiece…

This body is my mural.

A beauty

One of them being the art it portrays

My scars are my art

A voice for every cut

A story for every scar

And danger was the gas to my imagination

While I’m painting pretty pictures of mental fixation

I like to think I’m  digging through my skin to

Dip into my soul

Only to find a pool of boiling fiery red trickling blood

My body the canvas

Arms filled with artistic memorials

My hands my arms my legs

I am the creation

With every cut I scratch away a memory

That’s has been implanted on my heart

These scars are the story of a dangerous me


Tears  replaced by a drops of blood drawn

Tough me

Blinding my self of pain

Bullying me

Inner pain

Numbed out by physical

Cheap bic Razors to skin

With every open wound

The fire would leak

An explosion would occur

I am these scars

I am these cuts

 Every moment in time that was me

Blind rage

A monster

Fury overpowering my body

This is a beautiful canvas

My beautiful scars

And if I ever felt powerless I was wrong

Because the power that rested in me

Was enough to hurt me

The energy invested in my own little surgeries


Ravishing  rivers of red are the streams I’m coming from

And every time I slice my heart

I carve away a lil memory

I am at war with this skin that carries me

Addicted to cold metal sharp objects compressed upon on my skin

Releasing a lil bit of the journey that its been

We cannot be friends

I wear weakness on the bottom of my foot

Stepping on it every time I moved forward

By Lina Gonzalez

Then and Now

 This is me THEN

So many people want happy endings

But in reality most endings and good byes are sad

And if the past happened so many years ago

Why do we keeping taping back into that memory?

Calling to us whispering us tempting us pulling us to relive moments

We live everyday to forget

Tied in appealing bows of insecurities

Melancholic time wrapping is evil finger

 But why are you searching for an ending?

What you are now is the only thing you will ever be

Speeding your way to the future

Leaving your self lost in the tracks

A couple of minutes ago (the past)

You were thinking in circles

Looking in mirrors staring at your own blank stare

Behind the smile a whirl wind

And watching ghost dancing around you in circles

I guess you like that dance a little too much

I catch you waltzing across the room every time

Road blocking you to step foot in the NOW

Then inspiration creeps up on you

Like a heavenly force

Forced to write it out

This is your religion

Releasing the evils out your mind

Tip toeing its way into your soul

The secret code unlocking self expressions

These shoulders carry the weight of mountains

Words crash landing on fragile pieces of paper like boulders

So delicate yet absolutely unbreakable

That was me then


This is me  NOW

It’s entertaining to me when you say I look distracted

My eyes lost in a gaze

I’m light years away

You speak and I do not hear you

I see lips moving

But I can not make sense of anything that is coming out of your mouth

I hear you voice

I am not listening

All that’s crawling in my ears are faint distant sounds

I refuse to be consumed by these harsh realities

Of yesteryear

So I found a place I rather be

Inside of me

One that I have built for my self on my own

And is located deep in the depths of mind

Mountains outlined with similes

Purple clouds gazing over me

A sea filled only with peace

Smoke in the air

This is better then a dream

A sun that never stops shining

It’s never night time here

Eternal sunshine

In here I don’t rush for the night time to come to escape and fall asleep

Daytime all day I’m awake

Alive

The better version of my spirit lives here

I have imagined her up

I just cannot bring her to life

For fear that she will become shattered and polluted

With this cruel real world

So she stays locked up tight in my deepest thought

You will never meet her

Only read about her

I visit her very often

Wish I could I stay with her forever

But my distractions are coming back

I hear someone yelling

“Lina snap out of it “

“What the fuck were you thinking about? I been talking to you for the past ten minutes”

I never say a word

Those ten  minutes seemed like hours

For these  people would never understand where I stand

Or where I have gone

Mobile in the world

But just so out of touch

Time lies on suspension lines

So out of balance

Like de javue

I am living in mind my own mind

This is a place I call home

I’m physically here

But I’m not here

Don’t call me crazy because

I have found a home in my mind

Don’t tell me to come out

If the world is so cold

This world has me starving

I'm feeding my self food for thought

So deep you can’t tap into me

Many levels in this mind

I have reached level 13

The one where is too hard to get out

Don’t want to come out

So perhaps you have got it backwards

You are distracting me from my inner me

Beautiful bliss no ignorance



By Lina Gonzalez

Drugs

I took a hit of that purple
My mind went flying into the clouds
I took a hit of that purple
I couldn’t even feel myself
Instantly hooked
While it traveled through every void filling it up
I was overloaded with “joy”
So wrong to over dose on this
And abuse it
Knew all the rules but decided to break them
Because walking in straight lines just didn’t make the cut
Walking in circles was my kind of dance
I always seem to take detours
And go wherever my mind wanders
Took a hit of that purple and looked death into the eyes
My veins overflowing
My body overflowing with this euphoric state of mind
So many years went by as I survived on that purple
Rarely making the fuckin day
Waking up into another day felt helpless
So I stopped suddenly
And it was taken away for me
Like an addict
Withdrawing every god dam day
Tears filled my eyes
Anxiety filled my chest
Knees hit the ground this is rock bottom
The crash landing was bad 
And when it wasn’t around anymore
Purple pouring rain
I cried these purple tears
Lit purple candles
I was happy just to make it through the day
If I could GPS hell
Id say it was located in my mind
The thoughts that ran through me everyday
Were gruesome enough for movies
Death scenes
Violence
I killed you a thousand times
Each death slower then the last
 This is the result of that purple shyt
So just when it got worse then rock bottom
I thought I was going 6 feet under
Id like to call rehab the ward of time
Slow seconds that become lifetimes
No more of that purple shyt
That clouds my mind
Are you reading between the lines?

By Lina Gonzalez

Full Price Love

I gave you the benefit of the doubt
But you only benefited from me
While my head filled up wit doubts
The clock is ticking
You waste my time my love
You are blessed
Because Im blessing you always
While you perform comfortable sins with my body
But this love is no longer for sale
And it sure isn't it free
But all you want to do is bargain with me
Seems cheap to me
Willing to pay HALF price for my love
While Im left paying the full price for the aftermath
To hell with compromise
I have become restless of just being comfortable
I'm way too much of rebel for “play it safes” and safe zones
Love isn't easy
or guaranteed
But I'm done with ” flirtationships”
More then a friendship
But less then a relationship
I'd fight with you
 But your barb wires have hurt me enough
Tired of the usual young love games
This is a new phase where the 50 /50 begins
So spare me some change
Not done with love
Done with confused souls
Bargains, cheap sales, half prices
Im searching for the jackpot

By Lina Gonzalez

Life

I'm going through hell with a smile on my face brighter then heaven
The negatives try to keep me down
A negative plus a negative equals  a positive
Never been good at math
 I just hope all this shyt just starts to add up
Everyone is looking for there 15 mins
But Im just fine with my 23 years
Not looking for fame not looking for fortune
Just looking for peace
Cranking up the volume on this music
I cant stand to hear my self think
But these voices are loud
 I raise up every waking morning
No time for complications
 I shove them in a corner in the back of my head
“I'm fine”
I am public enemy number one
I'm looking to hunt you down because I can't stand you
But who I'm looking for is me , you see
The worst critique in the world
Miss self destruct
Miss raise up
Miss positivity, smile so bright
Miss Super woman always saving everybody
Who's going to save me?
I paint pictures of light
for everybody
leading them to paths of recuperation
Feeling like is me and against the world
always at odds
I'm never even
Me against the stress
But I'm running with the feeling of the weekend
High and drunk
Because I am too weak for sobriety , but strong enough for this alcohol tolerance
I run and I run and I find myself falling
 And Im lost like Alice in  wonderland
Falling into the never ending hole
What do you when your at battle with yourself?
Your mind running away from you
Because it is sick of you
Survive with open wounds
Who knew healing would be painful
I thought it was supposed to get better
My body grows older
But mind remains stuck in the past
Wounds that break lose every so often
Wish it would stay shut forever
Verbalizing lies
wearing big smiles as disguise
I'm getting sick of this mask
On my face
Its all a lie
Every joke
Every laugh
is a fake
I'm tired of hiding  
Exhausted of being this actor
This character has me confused
I don’t know who I am anymore
Pass along all the medication
To cure me from this sickness
Feed me doses of hard core reality               
reality.....................
No one survives, you just live